KMcG

Superfat vs Superskinny and the Sadness in America

I’ve recently been watching a British show that showed up on YouTube called Supersize vs Superskinny. If you haven’t seen it, which I assume you haven’t, because I never had until I came across it randomly, the premise is that they take one person who is very fat and another person who is very skinny, pair them up and put them in a house where they have to eat each other’s diets for a couple days. Experiencing the other person’s disordered diet, they are able to help the other person while learning about and healing their own food issues in the process. At least that’s the goal. Generally it works, the fat person learns to eat smaller portions and the skinny person learns to eat more, and at the end of the episode when we see them at a follow-up weigh we learn how much weight they gained or lost, and admire their generally improved appearances.

I love makeover shows in general, and food shows, so this is right up my alley. It makes me just so happy to watch people learn to treat themselves with respect… It’s inspiring to me. (“What Not To Wear,” another of my favorites, has a similar formula.) The fat person gets sad when they see someone else struggle with their elephantine portion size, and the skinny person feels guilty when they see the fat person sitting in front of an empty or barely filled plate meal after meal. Everyone finally gets to the point where they think “How could I treat myself like that, I want to live a better life” and then they leave and presumably DO lead better lives. I LOVE it when people go on to lead better lives. IT’S JUST SO FREAKING INSPIRATIONAL, YOU KNOW?

Because most of these people have some sort of psychological issues that got them to this point, they have to do additional exercises to pinpoint and confront said issues and the harm their eating habits are causing them. For example, the skinny person will look at a picture of a malnourished tongue, and talk about how they stopped eating when their parents got divorced because it was the only thing they could control. The fat person will look at a picture of, say, a bowel cancer, and they’ll talk about how they were in a bad relationship and started eating to kill their feelings. This is a crucial step for their recoveries.

And there’s always one additional step to scare the overeaters into reforming. They must stare the demon right in the face, look directly at the horror of what they might become. Generally it shocks them directly into immediately pledging reform. What in the world could scare them this badly? They take a trip to the United States.

Each supersizer is paired with a massively obese American, and they come visit the generally homebound person, who talks about their poor quality of life, how they can’t play with their kids, about the massive quantities of prescription drugs they have to take, about their sleep apnea and problems getting around. Actually, those are just the lucky ones. The one who are really bad off are bed bound, have lost limbs to diabetes, can’t get out of bed or wipe their own asses. And then they share a meal with the supersizer, who is shocked by the massive portion size. (Remember, this is generally someone who already eats 2-3 times the amount that a normal person.) The supersizer is shocked into changing their eating habits, lest their quality of life become as bad as the American.

AND, that’s what America has become, a real-life boogy man, a living example of the horrors that could occur if other people don’t change their eating habits.

The emphasis put on it is incredible. Hillbilly music starts playing, banjos or a harmonica, under shot after shot of fast food restaurants and fat American rear ends while voiceover intones, “To teach (fatso) about just WHAT her poor eating habits might lead to, we took her to the EPICENTER of the obesity epidemic, AMERICA, to show her just where her bad eating habits will lead.” Then it cuts to a generally very nice and shockingly obese person, and who serves as a living warning to the supersizer to change their ways.

The sad thing is, is this really what we have become? A warning to other people to change their ways? I guess so, and the people they dug up for the show are really, incredibly obese. It just strikes me, there’s something wrong. There’s something wrong with us, that people are getting this way. I don’t think it’s entirely the fault of the food industry, although cheap abundant crappy food has definitely contributed to it, I think there’s a general sadness. Or sickness, or unhappiness… Loneliness? And that’s what we’re not helping people with.

Just think, all of the supersizers or superskinnys got there because there was something wrong, something that they weren’t dealing with properly. America is used as a warning to them of how bad things can get, so there’s something we’re not dealing with, some sort of cultural psychological wound that we’re not dealing with.

It’s just a theory, and I don’t know what it is, or how to deal with it exactly, if I figure it out and figure out how to heal everyone I have not doubt I would be hailed as a genius, but I put it out there, what’s making us sick? Or is this just a dumb theory?

The Avengers Request to Remove Clint ‘Hawkeye’ Barton

drujohnston:

Here’s a short piece I wrote after I watched the Avengers. An email conversation between the Avengers and Nick Fury in which the Avengers all collectively agree Hawkeye is silly. Consider this preamble my apology to Brett White.

From: Steve.America@shield.gov
To: Nick.Fury@shield.gov
Cc: Tony@stark.com, Bruce@shield.gov, natalia@shield.co.ru, Thor@rocketmail.com
Subject: A formal request…

Hi Nick,

Sorry to bother you. I’m writing on behalf of the Avengers here, but we wanted you to formally reconsider the inclusion of Clint ‘Hawkeye’ Barton to the Avenger initiative. Amongst us we include a world class spy, a serum induced WWII super-soldier, an impenetrable beast, a genius with an iron suit and a nuclear reactor for a heart, and a legitimate demigod. We collectively agree that Clint, while pretty great at shooting a bow and arrow, should not be included in our ranks.

We understand this is a difficult position to put you in, but it might even be the best thing for Clint. He’s an excellent worker and will be able to land on his feet wherever he ends up… whether it’s an amateur archery range, or the archery section of an REI, or wherever, I’m just brainstorming here.

Read More

This is very funny, except for the fact that Hawkeye was one of my favorite characters in the movie. So how about we do away with Captain America instead, just for being lame? Oh, and Thor, too? 

In fact, how about we do away with all the other Avengers except Hawkeye and the Hulk, then make a new movie where they spend most of the time making sweet love to each other? It would be sort of like “Love Story” except starring a hilarious green dude and a foxy guy who poses a lot.

FIRST DRAFTS: 7 Habits of People

7 Habits of People

1. Picking things.

Zits, noses, ingrown hairs, scabs, friends noses; people love to pick things. It’s gross, but they simply can’t stop, when they see something icky, they have the urge to pick at it, and they do. Want to be a normal people? Find something and pick it!

2. Twitching.

Legs, arms, generally in their chairs. People are a twitchy bunch. To pass yourself off as a convincing normal people, don’t just sit in a chair, shift shift shift. For bonus points, jerk your leg around.

3. Humming.

Normal people hum a lot, most of the time while not even realizing they’re doing it. Any time is fine to indulge in this habit, but be sure not miss doing it while showering, unless you want to upgrade to superhumming, ie singing. Choose a song, make a noise, you normal human..

4. Eating too much.

Want to bond with a people? Say loudly “Wow, I ate too much!” Chances are, they did, too. Voila! You have something in common to talk about. How normal people of you!

5. Procrastinating.

There is nothing more normal people than procrastinating. How do you do it? You don’t! Whatever you want to do, don’t and you’re procrastinating, like a good people.

6. Drinking too much.

People drink too much, complain about drinking too much, brag about drinking too much, vow not to drink too much again, and drink too much again. To be a proper normal people, drink too much.

7. Resolve to stop habits.

People love to try to stop their bad habits. The trick to being a convincing person is to never actually stop any of them. An especially good example is that once per year on the day that everyone switches calendars, they all make a list of the habits they wish to cease. Don’t worry,  they won’t stop any of them, just make your list, tell other peoples, and then go on with all your habits just like you were already.

Art and the Art of Having a Vagina: Some Incomplete Thoughts

When I used to talk about the type of theatre I wanted to make, I was very clear. I wanted to make stuff that was, you know, feministy, but not all about MY VAGINA. I appreciated that ladies had felt the need to scream about their vaginas in punk bands, like Bikini Kill, but I was pretty  clear that wasn’t what I wanted to do. Shows like The Vagina Monologues were so corny and embarrassing I didn’t want to associate with them. Besides, we were over it, right? I was pretty sure that I was born into a post-feminist world, so I didn’t need things to be all about my swimsuit parts. I had a mind after all, that’s what I wanted the things I created to be about, my thoughts and ideas about art and the world and, you know, stuff.

But the thing is, the more and the longer I’ve lived and worked in the world, and the more I’ve seen the disgust that people show about these sorts of things, the more I have the desire to put them front and center.  When I see someone roll their eyes about a period joke, or say a derisive comment in the media about women in comedy being about their vaginas all the time, the more I want to build a giant bleeding vagina that towers and bleeds over all of us and has a small plaque at the bottom that says: Fuck off. Metaphorically.

Most recently, that guy Lee Aronsohn, the man who invented the monstrosity that is Two and a Half Men, was quoted saying “We are approaching peak vagina on television, the point of labia saturation.” Never mind that women are not all over primetime, there are just a few new female-created shows getting attention, the women who are in this position are being broken down to just a couple flaps of skin. Then “Enough, ladies. I get it. You have periods.”

You know what? I don’t think you do get it, Lee. Clearly you don’t get that 51% of the population isn’t going to be happy being a token minority in entertainment, you don’t get that seeing a few ladies on television should ever be referred to as “labia saturation,” (you might have gotten that recently when you were barraged by criticism for your comments) and clearly you don’t get how hilarious period business can be.

Periods are hilarious. It’s just like peeing, only you do it for a week and it’s bound to stain something. It’s like pooping you have to soak up. Diarrhea is funny, and SO are periods. Every woman has some story, probably more than one, about bleeding through her pants at an inopportune time, probably while wearing lightly colored shorts and talking to a crush. (Not that there is an opportune time to bleed through your pants.) For so long we women and girls had to sneak to the embarrassing stories section of YM and Sassy (RIP) but now a few of them are dripping into primetime, and the absorbent wings of the shame police can’t catch them, THERE’S TOO MUCH. You might not GET IT, because you’re a man, but soon enough you will. I wouldn’t necessarily GET so many “inopportune boner” jokes, but I do because I hear them all the time. You will eventually hear enough period jokes that it will stop being a women thing and start being a universal truth about how fallible people are, and how embarrassing being one is. That is surely something that all of us can agree upon.

Probably making period and vagina jokes is going to wax and wane, it’s popularity will sync with the moon or something. Like other comedy and comedians, the people making these bodily function jokes will move on to other things, and then eventually there won’t be enough period jokes being made and someone else will need to step in and start making them, a new generation with new embarrassing stories to share.

We’re not in a post-feminist world at all. We’re in a world where people regularly take away women’s rights, treat women like second-class citizens, and feels overwhelmed by them if there are 25% women on television. And I think I finally understood the purpose of the period joke, or the stupid play consisting solely of women talking about their vaginas. It’s a big old middle finger extended toward the world that thinks we should be embarrassed or ashamed of whom we are, or what our bodies do. Women’s bodies have one more gross excretion than men’s do. Deal with it.

So I’m not going to roll my eyes about women making period jokes anymore. I don’t want to be stereotyped for being a woman anymore but the only way to escape the Vagina Ghetto is to build a vibrant Vagina City, and take over the State of Humanity. And then maybe finally we’ll be known as people, and not just as women. I’m not going to shy away from making stuff that includes jokes about being a woman, or about the gross things that women’s bodies do. I don’t really want that to be all that I do, but fuck it, if it is, it is. Maybe I’ll write a sketch where someone’s lactating nipples are squirting all over the audience for the opera, or a teenage rom com where everyone will end up slipping all around in period blood. Who knows, anything could happen.

So, here’s my own Vagina Monologue:

My Vagina is busy,

Make your own sandwich.

TADA!