February 2012
8 posts
Watchjimaday:
JIMS POST OSCAR SPECIAL
A hahahahahaha.
Watchjimaday:
WINE TIME!!
A prescription to chase the blues a-way,
Everyone take your JIM-A-DAY!
“Given the odds of making it as a comedian, I am amazed at how little effort so...”
– Louis CK (via laughterkey)
Way to stick it to us, Louis.
January 2012
8 posts
The Cosby Show
So, I’ve been watching a lot of The Cosby Show recently, Jason got me addicted to it, and I’ve learned a lot from it, the most important thing being that my life sucks.
Seriously.
Compared to the Cosby’s life, everyone’s life sucks.
They never do anything wrong, the worst thing that they’ve done through season three is a tiny bit of procrastination and eating a sandwich that was too big. That is...
Dating Advice Here!
After seeing this website, http://www.catchhimandkeephim.com/index.html?s=69778&gclid=CJq3paPF-K0CFYXd4Aodm3F8sA I realized that literally anyone can charge a bunch of money for dating advice, and as I need money, I’ve decided my new career will be as a dating guru. Sure, I’m not particularly qualified to do it, but, on the flip side, I’m not particularly unqualified either. After all, I am a...
10 tags
Farting, to the tune of Jolene
Earlier this morning, Jason Saenz and I were riffing around and we wrote an amazing song. It’s perfect to sing around the campfire, especially if you’re camping with a bunch of eight year old boys, or me and Jason.
To the tune of “Jolene” by Dolly Parton.
Far-ting, far-ting, far-ting, far-ting
My guts are major gassy, sorry man
Far-ting, far-ting, far-ting, far-ting
Don’t tell me...
Alex Wants to be and Actor
Alex wants to be an actor. He’s constantly going about headshots and auditions, or about some other actor’s career he would like to emulate. As much as I would like to support him in whatever he wants to do, I just can’t get behind this one. I hate to be a killjoy, but I just don’t see it happening. Mainly, because he’s a cat. My pet cat.
Sure, there are animals in movies and on TV, but those...
Best gif ever
kellyoxford:
December 2011
2 posts
Digsy Finally Has A Tumblr.: Advice to new Maude... →
This is really good advice! Someone asked me for advice also, and it was nowhere near as complete and incisive as this. Kudos, Brett, and pay attention, everyone else!
digsyfinallyhasa:
Someone actually did ask for this, so I’m not just on a high horse (I mean, I am literally, not metaphorically; I’m riding a horse right now!). A lot of new people got put on Maude teams late last night and I...
November 2011
16 posts
Lost Dog
You guys, I lost my dog. Have you seen it? She’s a terrier, she answers to the name Balloon, and she’s about the size of a wallet. Not a ladies wallet, a men’s wallet. She’s a wallet sized terrier.
You’ve never heard of a wallet sized terrier?
It’s a super special breed, they’re really expensive and rare, and oh my gosh they are so cute because they are teeny tiny. So incredibly teeny tiny and...
11 tags
POP QUIZ-99 PROBLEMS
POP QUIZ-
I HAVE 99 PROBLEMS AND A B*TCH AIN’T ONE. WHAT ARE MY PROBLEMS?
1. Need a job.
2. Rent.
3. Itchy scalp.
4. Loneliness.
5. Have too much laundry to do.
6. Boogers.
7. Farting at inappropriate times.
8. Noise, car.
9. Body hair.
10. Money-General.
11. The MTA.
12. Possibly have ADD.
13. Hungry a lot.
14. Got some cavities.
15. Too little time.
16. The gym is too busy.
17. Accidentally...
8 tags
TWINS- THE IMPOSSIBLE SKETCH
I can’t tell you how many times I write down twins when I’m getting ready to think of new sketch ideas. It’s never actually made it to a sketch, but I always ALWAYS write it down. Hopefully someday I’ll figure out why this always comes up and I’ll write whatever sketch/book/movie is obviously trying to break out of me in it’s twin-themed glory, but until then, I’ll just have to keep working, and...
8 tags
WatchThis is one of the silliest, funnest sketches I ever wrote, and I finally have proof that it happened.
Starring Shannon O’Neill and Leslie Meisel.
12 tags
The Fear-The Bedbug-The Sketch
One of the scariest things about New York is the bedbugs.
Most of the people I know have been “touched” by them at one point or another, and everyone is terrified of them. They’re scarier than cancer, than aids, than anything because they could happen to you without you doing anything, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
The media has helped stir up this lather of fear, as they love printing...
I QUIT EMAIL! (for pretend) →
Oh Herman Cain →
I QUIT EMAIL (in my mind)
Frankly, email drives me crazy.
There’s too much of it, it piles up, and more than half of it in unimportant but I still have to reply to it anyway or else people think I’m dead, or being a dick. And I am sort of being a dick for not replying, so I guess they’re right, but I get overwhelmed and scatterbrained from tons of unimportant messages coming in. Of course, even worse is when I just don’t...
Trainer Mike: The Benefits of Regular Exercise →
OH HERMAN CAIN
Oh Herman Cain, Oh Herman Cain
Accused of sexual harassment, again?
Not one, not two, not three (insane!)
But four times? Man you cannot deign
To think you’ll return to the fast lane.
You’re holding to the flapping mane,
Of doomed presidential campaign.
Suit man, you cannot shake this stain,
You’ll disappear like Billy Zane,
After (his) Titanic fame did wane.
Surely, you knew you should...
A Konversation with Kim (Kardashian) →
Trainer Mike: The Benefits of Regular Exercise
Trainer Mike here, with a few tips about the benefits of regular exercise.
Everyone knows that exercise can make you more fit, but did you know it can also make you smarter? That’s right! The increased blood flow to the brain causes people to perform better on tests after they’ve exercised.
Also, did you know that regular exercisers are more likely to win the lottery? It’s true! Something about...
A Konversation with Kim (Kardashian)
Me: Hi Kim.
Kim: Hiiiiiiiii.
Me: How are you doing?
Kim: Gooooooood.
Me: Really?
Kim: Of cooooorrrsse. Whyyyyy??
Me: Well, you’re getting divorced. That’s a hard thing to go through.
Kim: Me and Khloe and Kourtney aren’t getting a race horse.
Me: No, your divorce. From Kris.
Kim: That’s my MOOOOOOMMMM. You can’t divooooooorce you Mooooommmm.
Me: Really?
Kim: No, I’m a...
October 2011
2 posts
WatchI just had to do this during the day: This is the sketch I wrote! Have a little taste taste!
WatchCheck out this sketch that I wrote! It’s a slow burn, and I made that spaghetti myself! I CAN boil water!
September 2011
4 posts
WatchThis is a very silly and exceedingly punny sketch that I wrote. If you hate puns, please don’t watch, cuz you’ll hate me, and that’s just not the aim of all this.
Watchfunnyordie:
Kitten Falls Asleep
You’ll want to stay up all night watching this cute little kitty fall asleep over and over.
What I Did On My Portland Vacation-A Lazebor Day... →
What I Did On My Portland Vacation-A Lazebor Day...
So it’s Labor Day, and I’m Feeling Lazy, so instead of a well written description of my time in the Great Northwest, I’m just going to list it. Enjoy. Or skip. Whatever.
What I Did On My Portland Vacation (Copy pasted from title, where I ALREADY WROTE IT ONCE.)
1. Drank Beer
This stands out. I drank a lot of beer. Mostly IPAs, my fave, but because they are strong and get you...
August 2011
6 posts
New York, New York
I moved to New York without ever having visited, 12 years ago this month. It sounds crazy and it was crazy. I would never advise someone to move somewhere that they knew nothing about, it’s a stupid idea. But I often don’t take the advice that I would give someone else. Anyhow, there hadn’t been enough time. I was living in Seattle, about as far as you can get from New York and...
I Wish All A/C Was Shitty →
3 tags
Sal (age 10) and I (age 33) watch Dirty Dancing...
Me: That would be a nice place to go on vacation.
Sal: Seems boring.
Me: It's nice there, it's a quaint mountain resort. I really like that her name is Baby.
Sal: Why do the watermelons look like that, all long?
Me: Oh God, you're right. Watermelons always used to look like that.
Sal: They're all round now. Did they really used to be long?
Me: Yeah, that's freaking me out. Science changed them, genetically modified.
Sal: She's just going right into the staff area? BOLD!
Me: WAIT. A. MINUTE. Look at them dancing. They're just rubbing their penises and vaginas on each other. No wonder all of my friends in Jr.High School loved this.
Sal: Why is that girl crying.
Me: They said she was 'knocked up', she's pregnant.
Sal: Why is she flipping out about it.
Me: It's a big deal, and it's 1963 so it's a bigger deal. Women could not have babies without husbands back then.
Sal: Oh my god, in the old days you couldn't have sex until you were married!?!
Me: We'll talk about this later.
Sal: Wait, so Baby's going to take her place dancing so she can have an abortion? This is weird.
Me: It's really funny.
Sal: Why can she only do it on Thursday?? Can't she get it another day?
Me: The guy said that was the only appointment that week.
Sal: They could have waited.
Me: I think he's going to kill Baby.
Sal: Why are they fighting?
Me: The botched abortion stressed them out. Oh, I have shorts like that. I'm going to call them my Baby shorts. I should totally buy all of these outfits from the movie and wear them all next summer.
Sal: (seriously) No. Don't.
Me: Why?
Sal: I don't like them.
Me: Baby touched his bum!
Sal: Ohhhhh.
Me: Baby's going to need to get an abortion.
Sal: She can just get her Dad to do it, but he'll yell at her.
Me: I think they might really be in love, Wow, so they are falling in love and having sex on the night their friend had a botched abortion?
Sal: It brought them together. Who is that guy?
Me: It's Johnny!
Sal: There are too many guys in this movie, there are like 4 guys that look the same.Wait. Wasn't he just mad at Baby, not they're in bed again.
Me: I wonder if Sarah Silverman has ever dressed up like Baby's sister Lisa when she sings "Hula Hana" for Halloween. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlT35Ote09c
Sal: Oh she does look like her.
Me: This is getting boring. But it's still a good summer movie.
Sal: Where do the parents think Baby is going every night?
Me: Her Dad is having a terrible vacation.
Sal: Why doesn't Johnny just tell her Dad he didn't get the blondie pregnant.
Me: Writers do that a lot, the accused doesn't defend himself because he is poor, or underprivileged or whatever, in comparison to the person accusing him. He'll figure it out later and feel bad.
Sal: What?
Me: Nevermind. The sister Lisa just said "You're pretty in your own way", that means "You're ugly"
Sal: 'Shhhhe's like the wind!"
Me: Weird, I like the "Nobody puts baby in the corner" part. I never thought that line would be good in any of the scenes I imagined it could be in.
JAMES WALKS IN: Oh god, this is so CHEESY. Even at the time it was cheesy, right? The Righteous Brothers? Super lame. I've had the time of my life. Totally embarrassing.
Sal: Oh my god, the Dad is mad again. At least he said he was wrong to Johnny.
Me: Patrick Swayze looks Native American.
Sal: I've never even heard this version of 'Time of my Life", I've only heard the Black Eyed Peas version.
Me: You're living a tough life kid.
Sal: Are there bloopers? I like it at the end when there are bloopers.
I Wish All Air Conditioning was Shitty
Aah, New York in the summer. Hot, humid, unbearable. On regular days it’s just hot, but on the hottest and most humdid days it it feels as if I’m wrapped from the top of my head all the way to my feet in a thick down comforter, and on the even hotter really hot days its a comforter that has extensions that go all the way into my nose and mouth so it feels like I’m being...
Sesame Street and the Revival of The American City →
Sesame Street and the Revival of The American City
I have a few theories, sometimes people buy them and sometimes they don’t. I think this one is a good one, but I haven’t ever been able to get anyone to really buy, but I think there’s something to it. It may be unproven, not backed by any so-called “statistics” or “science” but it COULD be true, and in my mind, it is. AND THAT IS that the revival of the...
July 2011
4 posts
“I have become a total new-ager.”
– Kerry McGuire
Pocket Full of Jizz: The Greatest Game Show of All...
Set-up: There are three contestants. The more regular the better. Ideally you would have a soccer mom, a teacher (either gender) and a civil servant (either gender). They are a friendly and open trio, competitive but not overly so, likable and fun, with relatable stories of their and their family’s foibles. This is pretty much the start to any game show, although it varies in the number of...